It has never been simple for me to show attachment or affection to anything. Even though my father was a most affectionate man with my sister and I, as I grew older my mothers instinct took over and showing affection,love,etc just became extremely foreign. I love deeply and with great passion but public displays of affection have always been hard for me. Even to some extent a show of weekeness. I was taught particularly by my father to be strong under all circumstances, and when it came to death he was the most practical person I've ever known on the subject." everything has a time to be born, and a time to die, it's part of life" he would say.I attribute alot of my non reaction to death to this very teaching. And as an adult I can say that I do not fear death. I know one day she will come and I will return to that energy that gives the universe life. I choose to call that energy GOD but thats a story for another day.
As I've grown older thru the years my understanding of death has evolved into a meld of scientific and spiritual understanding. which I believe in many ways has desensitize me to death itself. my grandmother was one of the major influences in my life and when she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I thought "it's her time,I dont want her in pain so I pray that her death is quick." last year I lost both my nephew and my father. With Joshua I always knew that I would never see him grow up to be a man, mostly in part because I undestood intellectually the medical problems he had suffered since before his birth. Although I profoundly do believe in the power of miracles and the power of prayer, I knew nothing would save him. His time had had a purpose and I was glad that he was no longer in pain. I lost my father several months after Joshy. I had known he was sick for quite some time, and even though I had deeply loved my father, when I found out he had pased away, I was glad he was finally at peace and no longer in physical pain.
At times I had wondered to myself"Am I just cold and heartless to have death affect me in such a minimal way" after all "everything has a time to be born, and a time to die, it's part of life".
Robert and I had seen this pit/lad mix in 1998 on a early summers day, while we were at the San jose flea market. I had firmly decided that I didnt want children, but still felt the void of having something in my life. She was leashed to a metal post and seemed so neglected. As we asked the man if she was for sale he said" yeah shes's the runt of the litter, if you want her shes yours for $75 bucks." We were never allowed to have pets in our family but something about this dog made me get bold and pretty adammit with my mother that I wanted her."well I'm taking her home, I'll keep her in my room and you wont see her" I told my mother. And Robert joined in and said the same thing. As the days went by she won the heart of my mother, whom proclaimed for decades we couldnt have a dog because she was "allergic to them" as well as the rest of the family.
it has been 13 years and 3 months since that day, and as non attached as I have been towards other humans in my life, Lyka has always been the constant for me. I always felt that even if I had children, all humans grown up, and eventually leave and start thier own lives. it's human nature. But Lyka was different. I felt with her something I have never felt with any human being before. Pure love. she has been there with me thru the toughest times in my life. thru every family disappointment, every proudest moment. thru my mental breakdown, and everything in between.thru all my sicknesses she was always there, never leaving my side.
She has been my therapist and my confidant all in one. And thru every great decision, or bad decision in my life, her love and attention was always there. She never judged or looked down upon me, She just always listened without repproach. Which to me is what a true friend should always be. I was watching Oprah once, and heard Toni Morrison many years ago say" all your children want to know, is "do your eyes light up when they enter the room" do they matter to you?" And as nosensical as it may sound that's exactly how I felt about Lyka. Because not only did mine light up when I saw her, when I walked into a room HER eyes would light up when she saw me. And that always made everything better.
I knew she was getting older and as much as she wanted to act like a puppy, her body sometimes wouldn't agree with her.but for all porposes she was in perfect condition. thats what the Vet always said. "she's such a well taken care of doggy" they would say, and our reply would alway be, she's our daughter, our little person with fur!"
thats is why on thurday night when we noticed her drool had a little blood in it, our thougt was, well take her to the vet in the morning, maybe she needs another teeth cleaning. she had been fine the days before and acting normal,so when Friday morning came and her drooling kept constant, I panicked. I have always been a glass half empty kinda girl, I blame it on my upbringing, but for the first time in my life I really wished that optimism other people talk about. When the vet said "she has a mass in her nouth and it doesnt look good" I understood for the first time in my life, the panic and angst other people feel when they are told a family member has been stricken with cancer and there is no cure. I actually felt the hopelessness and fears that must scurrie thru your head when what you've been told just isn't quite being understood by your "intellectual brain". For the first time in my life I wasnt thinking wih my head, but I was feeling with my heart. And I understood what my mother felt when she was told her mother had cancer, and what my sister felt when the doctors told her there was no hope for joshy. Because no matter what your hurting for, all pain is the same. And even though others may articulate the loss of a dog as inevitable, to me it was the loss of my child, my best friend, my confidant. when Sunday morning came along and she couldnt get up, we took her back to the vet and the masses had spread. In that moment as much as my hysteria was getting the best of me, I knew I had to do what was best for her, not me. I always promised her that if she ever got sick I would never let her be in pain, no matter how selfish I wanted to be to keep her one more day on this earth. I distinCtly heard my fathers' voice in my head say"there's a time to be born, there's a time to die, it's part of life". So with the entire famiLy surrounded, I held her head in my lap, and saw her take her last breath. Many say there can not be any comparison to losing a human being versus a dog, but for me the pain I feel in losing my little girl is real. She was my daughter, she was GOD personified to me. I beleive GOD is kindness,and love in it's purest form. it that was lyka to me. I am in pain, and I hurt, I'm lost at the moment,and in many ways in mourning for the first time. I know that yesterday when I came home in that unbearable pain, I would of sat down and she would of came to my lap and gave me a gazzing look until it was time to go to bed, never missing a beat.She would of instinctually known that I was in pain and just needed my space.
I've gone thru many deaths in my life and have always thought "it's a part of life" but we all must come to understand that there are lessons in all life experiences, I believe this is mine. I guess I'm not as cold heathearted, as I thought I was, and even though I believe everyone must pay for thier actions in this life, and that there is a form of HELL for those souls that just have no remorse, I believe dogs are of GOD, and pure of soul, therefore Lyka is up there with joshy keeping him company helping him run thru the fields. because just like children, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
